Colorado, from a New Yorker's point of view

When are you officially dating someone?  I wrote about this once before.  I usually like to avoid the official title of “dating.”  I like the ambiguity that we can still be seeing other people.  I don’t want to pressure anyone and I’ve fucked up relationships by trying to label them.  So I avoid it.

I was talking to a couple of friends the other night.  Both of whom had dated each other.  One commented that she always needed to have clarity as to the status of the relationship.  Her ex was just the opposite.  Her ex told me that she avoids adding a title to a relationships for as long as possible.  Being a guy I just figured it was because she wanted to keep dating.  Instead she explained it as being afraid that a label places too much pressure on the relationship and the other person.  Interesting.  I really thought she didn’t want to commit to one person.  “I was completely faithful from the beginning.  I just didn’t want to pressure her.” she told me.  She has a very interesting perspective on things.

When do you call someone baby?  It’s a little weird if it is the first time in bed with someone.  Baby to me always implies more of an intimate relationship.  Of course, if you have to concentrate & ponder which name you should be moaning out I would think it is probably better to use something generic like baby.  I came to that conclusion the other night as this girl and I were rolling around.  I was thoroughly enjoying myself when my mind wondered to a simple thought;  ‘She’s done this before.’ I don’t want to say she’s been around, but by the time you reach your late 20′s I expect you’ve been around.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. In fact, I sort of expect it.  But then you can’t help but wonder how around is around?

Something tells me she’s been calling me baby to keep my name straight.  Which is somewhat ingenious.  I mean it is not ingenious like Michael Angelo. But ingenious enough.

When do you try to salvage a relationship and when do you decide to walk away?  I’m not talking about long term relationships or situations with kids or joint bank accounts.  I’m talking about new relationships.

How do you decide if something is simply a miss-communication issue or something deeper?  When and how do you decide if something small and minor about a person that you don’t like is enough to call off a relationship?  If you say “no, it’s a minor issue”;  what happens if it blows up?

I recently started seeing someone.  For once, from the start I actually really liked her.  As a friend told me I was probably too nice to her.   I’ve been somewhat rude (in my own unique way) to all the women I’ve dated since I’ve been in town but for some reason I’ve  was too nice to this one particular girl.

Part of me says to walk away and stay away.  After all if we are arguing this early it is only going to get worse.  On the other hand, I honestly believe it might just be an issue of poor communication.  The problem is she is a revisionist.  The discussion changed into an argument when she accused me of saying something I didn’t say.  I probably could have put that behind me.  I’ll admit the argument or miss-communication was 90% my fault.  About a week later I tried for a reconciliation.  The conversation was going well until once again she rewrote history.  This time she started arguing that she never accused me of saying what she had accused me of saying.  Holy shit, “I told you I never said it and you fought with me and now you admit that I never said it, but you are denying you accused me of saying it.

Maybe I’m just better staying away.

I was recently scared straight reading my horoscope in The Onion.  That’s something that probably hasn’t happened to too many people before.  When I was in college, the movies Kids was always my ‘scare me straight’, pro-condom movie.  Having friends with kids was never enough.  Little demons* running around.  But periodically I’d watch Kids.  It was always a good reminder that the pill was not enough.

Surprisingly I’ve seen more women less concerned with what a guy wears. And the less concerned someone is the more concerned I become.  It’s weird because I figured women would be more concerned than men.  Maybe I’m just overly paranoid.  Of course then I also become paranoid and cautious when someone else is overly concerned about using protection.

I guess it wouldn’t bother me if the one I’m thinking of in particular was a responsible member of society but she’s more of a. . . . Hmmm, what is she? She’s more of a wild card. Just some random unknown in a math equation. If I could figure out more about her maybe I could solve for X.  Of course an unknown could have a sweet & innocent past, where as in this case the word “wild” is probably descriptive enough.

• Okay maybe not demons, I don’t want anyone misinterpreting that.  I have a vision of someone calling me out on that when asking me if I want kids.  I do,. . . . as long as I can enslave them. Cheap labor would help. Cheap labor would be awesome.  Actually, skilled cheap labor is what I want. The problem is you have to raise them. Someday I’d love to have a kid or two, but right now I’m way to selfish.   Yes, I did just say I want cheap, skilled labor.  I’m a capitalist dammit.

I was talking to a friend from back home the other day.  She is newly single and just started dating.  We were talking about some weird dating experiences we’ve each had  She  mentioned she recently went out with this guy and he brought his younger brother along.

Who would ever think to bring someone along on a date?  I’m not referring to having extra tickets to a sporting event, or concert and inviting friends and a date.  I’m talking about inviting someone along for a quiet cocktail or dinner.

Unless I am specifically double dating I try to avoid running into friends the first few dates I’m on with a girl.  I find it is much better if she meets my sketchy, scumbag friends after we’ve been dating a little while.  You all know who you are.

What about bringing an ex on a date?  I’m not referring to an ex whom you now have a strictly platonic relationship with.  That’s fine and normal.  But what about an ex that still has feelings for you?

I have friend who was performing in a dance recital and her boyfriend brought his ex-girlfriend.  His ex girlfriend who still had feelings for him.  This is much weirder and even more inappropriate than bringing along a sibling.  In this person’s defense it was supposedly the ex’s last weekend in town before she moved cross country, but still all you are really doing is upsetting both women.

One of the harder parts of dating is figuring out when you are exclusive.  I think back to years ago when you would ask a girl out it was kind of assumed that you were exclusive, at least once you started fooling around.  Now, especially with the proliferation of on-line dating, it is very difficult to figure when it becomes inappropriate to keep dating other women.

Relationship experts would advise that you need to have an open discussion with your partner.  I would tend to agree, unless you are fearful of the answer, in which case I think it is better to fly blind and avoid the topic.

You have ventured in the land of exclusivity when as the weekend rolls around you assume you are spending the weekend with the other person.  If you consult each other before making plans, you’re a couple.  But what about when you are both still doing your own thing for at least part of the weekend?

How many days or nights out of the week do you have to hang out before you are exclusive?  Does sex play a role in determining exclusivity?  How about un-protect sex?  Does that change anything?  For some people just having sex means you are in a committed relationship.

A few months ago I started dating (or were we hanging out?  I don’t know what word to use) this person.  At the same time I was doing on-line dating, which meant I was going out with a small group of women.  None of them made it past date two, but technically I was dating.  You could never tell your wife, “I met a woman on-line, we had coffee but it’s no big deal because we only hung out twice.”  However, this was early enough in the relationship that it was no big deal.  I even expected that she was dating a bunch of people.

But what happens after you’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks?  Throughout the initial courtship she always wore a claddagh ring (quick side note: I wasn’t sure how to spell it so I googled “stupid Irish ring” and it came right up.) She worn the ring facing out, indicating that she was single.    Then after a few weeks of hanging out the ring was turned the other way, indicating we were an item.  We probably should have had “the discussion” that weekend, but having a date or two lined up the following week I to wanted to avoid the subject.  I might have avoided the subject too long because after about two weeks the ring was turned around once again.  Which I gladly interpreted as a permission slip to do whatever I wanted to when I was home for Xmas.  For all the forecasters out there the change in direction also makes a great leading indicator that the relationship is over.

I have another friend facing a similar situation, except she had “the discussion” and yet she is still not sure if she is in an exclusive relationship with her boyfriend.  They’ve been seeing each other for a little over two months.  Her boyfriend said he wants to be exclusive, yet he only wants to see her about twice a week.  That’s not really fair for her.  She has a very part-time boyfriend and she’s expected not to date and meet other guys.  Any thoughts?

There are also bad times to have the conversation.   One time I was leaving a party and going back to a friend’s house with the assumption that we were going to hook-up.  The party we were at was pretty loud.  Later on the way to her place, I couldn’t hear her when she asked about our relationship.  She either said she wanted a relationship or she didn’t.  I knew it was one or the other, I just wasn’t sure which one.

At that point in the evening it is very easy to get pre-occupied with thoughts of what’s to come.  You don’t really want to say anything to jeopardize where the night is heading.  In those situations the words “that’s just what I was thinking” seem to work well.  For the record, I wouldn’t suggest misleading anyone, but at that moment relationship or not I didn’t really care.

What’s with the guns?  I’m used to NY & NJ which have some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation.  Out here guns are much more prevalent.  I was out with a girl last night who can disassemble and reassemble an M16.  You don’t really meet women like that back in NY.

Growing up in NY my gun stories are rather limited.  I probably only have 3-4 gun stories.  I should really re-word that and say I have two gun stories and two gun sentences.  The sentences are pretty simple:  1) While underage I shot a round or two at the range.  2) I’ve shot a 22 at some cans in the woods.

At the time some of my gun stories occurred I didn’t even know they were about guns.  I remember being in college and driving around in a friend’s mom’s mini-van.  Wanting to be more clever than destructive we would steel lawn ornaments from one house and then set them up on lawn next door.  Occasionally we would swap lawn ornaments from house to house.  Then at the end of the night whatever was left over would end up on someone’s front lawn.  We figured it would be an awkward conversation for the homeowner.  “No I didn’t take your garden troll Harry….well yes it is on my lawn, but I don’t know how it got there.”  As a side note occasionally during the redecoration process a garbage can or two (and possibly a Porta-Potty or two) might have accidentally been knocked over or run over.  Mostly those stemmed from miss-communication issues.   For example, one of us would say “don’t hit the garbage can” but with the radio blasting it would get interpreted as “hit the garbage can.”

The morning after one particularly raucous evening my friend and I were getting back into said mini van, when his mother runs out of the house.  She stops us just as we were backing out of the driveway.  She opens the driver’s door and reaches behind the seat.  “Oh look what you boys were driving around with last night.  I forgot to get my stuff.” she said with a big chuckle as she pulls out her gun and an open bottle of Sambuca.    Thankfully we didn’t get pulled over.  “No really, officer I don’t where that came from.”  In case the Sambuca didn’t give it away my friend is of Italian descent.

My last gun story also dates back to college.  A friend was having some friends from home visit.  Home for them was a neighborhood suffering from ghettofication.  I’ll touch back on this point as the story continues.  We were pre-gaming before heading out to the bars, when one of the visitors commented that he needed to get something out of his car before we drove around in it all night.  He looks at me and asks if I could go to the back window, he had something to bring into the dorm and he didn’t want to go through the main entrance.  Moments later he appears at the back window carrying something under a flannel jacket.  As he hands it to me through the window I realize it feels like a rifle or some big type of gun.  Turns out it was a sawed off shot-gun.  I give the kid credit for recognizing that it would be a bad idea to go out drinking in a car that has a sawed off shot gun in the back hatch.  I was told the gun was for protection, because his neighborhood wasn’t as safe as it was years ago.  Being either Italian, wise or a good New Yorker I didn’t ask any questions that I didn’t want to know the answers to.  I put the gun in my friend’s closet and thought to myself, “not my gun , not my closet, not my problem, let’s go drinking.”  And yes, as a precautionary  measure I did wipe my prints off the gun.  Which in and of itself makes the story great.  I mean, how many other people can say they’ve wiped their fingerprints off a sawed off shotgun?

Those are my gun stories.  Actually I do have another gun story, this involves a former co-worker, one who’s neck was a little more cerise than mine.   We had made plans to go to happy hour after work one particular Friday.  We left work and while driving to happy hour my friend called me.  He proceeded to inform me that the next day was the start of small game hunting season and that he need to pick up his gun from the gun smith.  Thank god it wasn’t a date or I really would have felt crappy about myself.  I mean stood up for a gun?  Really? To each their own.

Flash forward to Colorado a state that still recognizes the 2nd amendment.  My landlord claims to be an excellent shot, with a shotgun and a very good shot with a pistol.  Just by making those claims I have to assume that she has fired more weapons than I have.  I do not know any other women on the east coast who brag about their abilities with a shotgun.

A friend of mine recently commented that the last two guys she’s met on-line both want to take her to the gun range.  At first I imagine some right wing southern extremist gun nut.  It’s scary enough for women to meet strangers they’ve met on-line.  But knowing the person is armed.  Initially that sounds really creepy.

However the more I think about it the more I realize it is a brilliant idea on so many levels.  You get to find out how adventurous the girl is.  You get to find out her political stance on the 2nd amendment.  It is slightly dangerous, you get a sense of power when you discharge a firearm.  You have an excuse to get close to her, after all you have to help her with learning proper form.  All of these are very positive things.  The other benefit is that in the event that she is an excellent, practiced marksmen you know never to piss her off.  And if she tells you her father taught her how to shoot you know to never break her heart.

Have you ever started a conversation with someone in a bar and immediately wish you could flee.   I’ve had countless drunks approach me and start rambling conversations.   But until the other night I can’t recall approaching someone and almost immediately regretting it.

I saw this hottie the other night.   I walked over to her to say hello.   We talked for a minute or two.   She seemed normal.   Until she mentioned that she is 21 and has a 5 month old girl.   The father of her child is a 45 year old drug dealer / gangster.   He was a regular at the strip club where she danced.

She had a very nice body for someone who just gave birth.  Especially considering she ballooned to 198 pounds while she was pregnant.  She attributed the weight loss to a steady intake of coke.

As a man I don’t truly understand all the nuances of being a women.  However, I would like to assume that my powers of deductive reasoning would allow me to determine I was pregnant prior to the 4th month.  The missed periods, morning sickness and weight gain would all be signs.

As I was playing Doc Phil she explained that she was probably in denial about being pregnant.  Again using my deductive powers I was able to conclude that the prenatal care during those first four months probably included a lot of alcohol and Marlboro lights.

We chatted for about ten minutes.  I was completely fascinated by her lack of judgment.  She seemed grateful I was listening and that I didn’t flee right away.   As I left I felt it was my Dr. Phil duty to offer some fatherly advice.   I told her to check out the Nuva Ring but I wanted to tell her something more profound.   I didn’t want to be preachy, although the way the conversation was going she would have probably been cool with a sermon.

Instead I asked a simple question that at one time was asked to me.   I looked her in the eyes and said “After all this have you gotten your head out of your ass?”  She chuckled and said “I hope so.”

I hope so too.  In part for her kid, but in a larger part because I don’t want my tax dollars subsidizing her poor decision making.

… that I should use more humor when I write.  I tend to agree.  I’ve been so busy trying to learn how to get this site up and running that I have not allowed the humor, which is typical of my writing, to come through.

I’ve also been hesitant to post certain things.  I’ve know that sooner or later I’m going to upset someone.  At first I figured it would be a friend from back home.  I figured I’d tell some embarrassing story from someone’s past.  But the longer I am here the more I realize I’m going to piss off someone in Denver first.  Mostly I don’t want to upset an RA (reasonably attractive women)  and blow my chances for any potential extracurricular activities that might occur.

I realize that to make this site interesting I need to be honest.  I was also taught that if something seems to good it probably is.  Therefore I don’t want to post about the potential for something to happen until it actually happens.  Which is why I will ignore the back story and say this:  I met an alleged professional dominatrix tonight and by playing rude and hard to get she is completely in to me.  Being aloof is like fishing with dynamite.  I have a week to get tested which means she is responsible, serious and willing to show me her own stamp of approval.  She also claims she is going to “break me.”

Have I mentioned I love Denver?

I’m slightly shocked at the arrogance of some women.  If we’ve never met and you cancel plans with me during the week what makes you assume you are entitled to any of my weekend real estate?  Granted when you are unemployed everyday is a weekend.  But my weekends are for friends and people I’ve met before.  I would add in family, but they are 1,800 miles away.  There are only 55 hours between 5pm on Friday and midnight Sunday.  I’m not giving those hours up that easily.

I understand things come up during the week and you may get stuck having to work late.  It happened to me on a fairly regular basis.  But don’t expect to reschedule our first meeting on a Saturday.  We were meeting on a Tuesday night for a reason.  Maybe Saturday afternoon could work, but a Saturday night…for someone who has already canceled plans once?  Forget it.